foam soap

As we move further and further into the 21st Century, there have been innovations in life I’d never even thought about thinking of ten years ago. Blue tooth technology, internet dating, text messaging, segways. And then, then there’s foam soap. For those of you who know need no explanation, and for those of you who don’t I must console you and fill this void in your lives. I don’t know how the foam soap works, but I do know how it feels: like the hand of God preparing the soap for handwashing, washing your hands for you, and those hands happen to be the silky, fragrant feminine fingers of a lady.
Bluetooth technology is a mystery to me as well. Though I don’t use it. It seems to be a technology that simply uses wireless technology to officially make a tool out of any human being who uses it. I’m sorry, but everytime I see some ass, male or female, with a futuristic Secret Service ear piece, meandering, talking to themselves. I want to flick it off as if it were a spider crawling on them. They’re ridiculous, the people who use Bluetooth look ridiculous. YOU AREN”T THAT IMPORTANT!
Internet dating: I’ve tried this. I am ashamed of it, although some say I shouldn’t be, that people meet their soul-mates on the internet. Dirty old men coerce young children on the internet as well. Internet dating feels unnatural. I tried at the behest of my oldest friend, and I’m sorry to say, I can’t take it seriously. I paid for it, tried it, won’t do it anymore. It’s embarrassing; filling out the profile, reading your own profile, submitting pictures, it’s humiliating trying to break down your whole life into one page and three pictures. It’s a cop out. I know it’s hard to meet people, but internet dating takes the risk and fear and exhilaration out of putting yourself out there to be with someone new, whether it’s for instant pleasure or the making babies kind.
Text messaging has ruined my life. And it’s my own damn fault. I am a self-proclaimed text messaging whore. It drives most of my friends crazy. It’s almost as pretentious as Bluetooth. Little conversations between two people, like passing notes in class. These conversations are so secret and so brief that they don’t warrant a verbal conversation. They save time, maybe, but the reality is there is plenty of time for everything. That’s a whole other argument, pace of life. An exquisite young lady and I were discussing the mutual joy of traveling internationally: no cell phones. Anonymity, what a concept. Not being able to reach whoever at any given moment about every little thing. Only communication with those who are physically present. Now I text message any quip I like to anyone I like, and it’s helped me in certain ways, but as with internet dating, it’s a noncommittal form of communication. And I need to stop. But I won’t. And that makes me sad.
Segways are an invention dear to my heart, but for one reason only: GOB Bluth. The segway was invented for GOB. A man who travels around on a contraption so ridiculous, it can only be described seriously as “a personal transport device that uses five gyroscopes and a built-in computer to remain upright. The Segway HT has no brakes and does a nifty 12 mph. The speed and direction (including stopping) are controlled by the rider shifting weight and a manual turning mechanism on one of the handlebars.” (I had to look it up) Isn’t a personal transport device called a car? Didn’t we invent that already and it’s ruining the world slowly? Who needs one of these though? Lazy people? People who can stand but can’t walk? I’ve only ever seen one being rented at the beach. Maybe I saw one once, in the city, but I’m pretty sure it was my imagination. The Segway says, hey, look at me, kick my ass. But I want one anyway.
The foam soap, in contrast to these other inventions, is flawless. I’ve never wanted to wash my hands more. The aromas are phenomenal, providing long-lasting scents that make me reminisce about washing my hands in foam soap. What other product provides such instant gratification without harm. Even my favorite restaurant, Tio Leo’s, has foam soap. Foam soap is a bubble bath for the hands. Beat that, dickhead talking to himself on his Bluetooth, text messaging to his crazy, ugly eharmony girlfriend, running people over on his segway.